Genie bra – genius or genuinely crap?

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The anticipation has been exhausting, but my Genie Bras finally arrived on Friday.

The interest in my infomercial-based purchase was so high that in the spirit of community service, I have agreed to provide an in-depth review of the Genie Bra.

At this point I should stress that this is not a sponsored post. I’ve always wanted to say that. Actually, I’ve always wanted to say “This is a sponsored post”, because it is my understanding that that would mean I was paid for it.

I’ve been asked why I went with the Genie Bra, rather than the Ahh Bra. This is an excellent question. I spent an inordinate amount of time on the interweb looking for reasons to choose one over the other. The upshot of this was that I went with the one that was easier to order, and which had a slightly less stupid name. Totally scientific.

Anyhoo, I will begin this review by addressing a couple of the incisive questions posed by Twitter followers.

How do they look off?

Shithouse. Seriously, if ugly was a country, then the Genie Bra would be China. But in fairness to the Genie Bra designer, I wasn’t expecting it to give Simone Perele a run for its money.

The Genie Bra is spectacularly unsexy. No need for any form of contraception if you wear the Genie Bra in the boudoir. It is more an item of body furniture than undergarment.

Hot as

I should point out that in the photo above, the “beige” (and isn’t that the most appropriate word EVER) example has the “free extra support pads” in the “specially designed magic pouches”. I can safely say I won’t be using the extra support pads, and I think the designers may have been high when they decided to use the term “magic pouches”.

Is the Genie Bra for bigger breasted women only?

In my expert opinion, nope. Admittedly though, if you are challenged in the area of rib-bumpers, a Genie Bra would look more like a t-shirt. A cropped one.

On the other hand, if you have a massive rack, I’m not sure it’d give you the haulage you’d be after.

I am – according to the professional bosom lady at David Jones – a 14D (which explained why my collection of 12B bras never felt quite right). Google tells me that the average Australian bra size is 14C, from which I will draw the totally scientific assumption that if you are anywhere between a 12B and a 16C, the Genie Bra would hold its own – and yours.

Other Observations

  • I am a bit disappointed by the amount of upper-torso real estate taken up by the Genie Bra. To be fair, if you’re looking for a bra that’ll hold up your badoinkies without underwires or hooks, it’s going to need more than a wisp of elasticised chiffon in the formula. But I have to say, there’s a crapload of fabric on the back, which makes it look more like a post-surgery garment than lingerie.

    The Rear View

  • I give it 8 out 10 for comfort. I am one of those girls who whips off my bra the minute I walk through the door. My issue is usually with the band under the brassiere, which goes around the ribs. I don’t think there is a technical term for that component – although interestingly, the bit between the chesticle cups is called the “gore”. Who knew?

    After wearing the Genie Bra for a few days now, I am saddened to report that I am still experiencing some discomfort in the aforementioned under-bra-around-ribs-area (I wish there was a technical term for it). However, I am prepared to concede that this may be due to the design of my mid-region (also my Big Mac habit) than the design of the Genie Bra.

    Whilst the shoulder straps aren’t padded with cashmere, they are comfy enough. I don’t reckon they’re any more or less comfortable than any of the other bras I’ve worn, but it’s not something I’ve generally had a problem with.

  •  The other big question – aside from comfort – is how effective the Genie Bra is at harnessing one’s tatas. And I am happy to report that it is doing a deadset ripper job. When wearing the Genie Bra, I am confident that I can go about my daily business and the girls aren’t going anywhere they shouldn’t be. They are well contained, adequately rounded, and most importantly, perpendicular to the rest of me.
  • Value for money? I paid $89.91 (yeah, I know) for 3 Genie Bras (black, beige and white). Were they a bargain at $29.97 (FFS) each? Nup. But not a ripoff either. I’ve paid way more for bras that I pull off through my sleeves at the earliest opportunity.  Plus they were delivered, so that whole hellish bra-trying-on thing is neatly avoided.

At this point, you’re probably going “Photos! We were promised photos!” Well, ask and you shall receive.

Wonder if Zoo will call?

To summarise – the Genie Bra is more or less what I expected. More ugly than I expected. Slightly less comfortable than I expected. But it does do its job, meaning I don’t have to think about whether everything is where it should be.  Leaving me free to worry about whether my underpants are up to the job.

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  • Kate McGuinness
    May 6, 2014

    Love the revues and comments. I have been wearing Genie Bras for a while now. I find them very comfortable because I have a pacer and defibrillator inserted.
    The straps on GB do not rub and are excellent if you have this small machine in.
    I put it on up my legs and pull. Although I confess it is not very elegant to look at it does the job well. once in position it looks better.Cheers Pancres

    • Lynne
      January 27, 2015

      I wish I had the same luck you did. Have tried multiple times. The cup,area is too small so I ordered. Much larger size and had the tailor shorten the straps. More $. The zip-front Genie bras are horrible to get in. There is no hook at the bottom to stabilize the 2sides so a lady needs 3hands to zip it. Lots of swearing too. Poor design.

    • Amie
      May 14, 2016

      Having read this I believed it was very informative.
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  • Cheri
    December 9, 2013

    Love your writing. Hope you get paid to write. If you do get to write more articles, please let me know….I need the laugh.

    • Dawn
      April 22, 2014

      I absolutely love Genie Bras! I was skeptical about the support it would give without mashing you totally like a sport bra. I’m telling you they are great and this is all I wear now. The shoulder grooves from old bras are about gone now. Not pretty?? The Milana (lace) bras are very pretty and looks like a pretty cami under your top. Sizing I will admit can be a challenge. I normally wear a 38DD and (you can’t go by their chart for sizing) I finally ended up with the 3X. My sister ordered me for xmas the 1X thinking it would be plenty big. I couldn’t even get it all the way on and had a terrible time getting it back off! Sis had a 2X that she had me try and it was a little snug so we figured the 3X would be best.

      Now comes the horror of ordering! I live way out and so anything I have sent to me comes to work. My sis lives in Texas so she asked if it would be labeled anywhere on the package and the reply was no. Well the bras came and there was a HUGE sticker that said Genie Bras not only what they were but in big lettering it said 3XXX!!!!
      I suggest anyone who is interested is to go to Walmart and try on till you get the fit for you. If they have the color you want then fantastic go ahead and purchase. It not then you will at least know what size to order. The Milana bras are $20 each and where can you get a comfortable bra for that amount?? I love them to sleep in too. Sometimes when I’m staying somewhere else I like that they still look nice and you aren’t showing everything you have under your PJ’s.

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        May 13, 2016

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        May 14, 2016

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  • Pam
    November 23, 2013

    Thanks for great review. I have some I bought from local market for general try, in fact they are very goo but stitching now disintegrating on one. Have been reading all reviews for zillions of different types and you’ve convinced me to go genie – which Aldo happen to be half or ice at the moment. By the way for those struggling to get them on – I had same problems and have a shoulder problem that made it worse. Discovered if you pull over your head and down to underneath your bust – Inside out and upside down I.e. Straps hanging down – you can just flip and put your arms through holes and viola

  • Tonnie
    October 25, 2013

    I’ve wondered how they would hold up when you have to step in and out of them. Do they hold their shape over time?

    • Chris
      February 26, 2014

      I have been stepping into mine for 3 years now and they are fine. Found I needed a bigger size than my dress size though.

  • Leah
    June 24, 2013

    Phuck, you’re funny!

  • Vanessa
    December 5, 2012

    Love it! You are a brilliant writer! lol!

  • Catherine
    November 7, 2012

    Hi. Thanks for an entertaining review. I’ve been curious about the Genie bras ever since I saw and I happen to be in need of a brand now. Genies may not be the pretties or sexiest bras on the market,but to me it’s always a question of practicality and value for the money. Therefore based on your review, I’m going to take a chance and invest in a set. Thanks again, your review was a blessing.

  • Katie
    October 18, 2012

    Nicole you’re a born writer. Thank you, I loved your review.

    x o

  • sarah macdonald
    September 14, 2012

    Thank you so much for your descriptive revue. I’m totally with you on the discomfort around the ribs. So was wondering if a larger size would do it but then I’d probably get no lift/support.
    I’ve tried another brand that offered texture/weave, patterns- a very firm fit and though I’m a 12 (13, if there was one). I gave the L to my size 10 daughter! I’m going try the XL.

  • Vivieneu
    June 21, 2012

    I loved your analysis of the genie bra, I have bought them and agree that they do roll up from the band, and you need to wear the inserts if your ‘nickels ‘stick out which mine do getting them on looses a kilo every morning which is a good thing from my point of view. Also bought the Ahhh bra simply because I loved the colors, not a good move, the bazookas ended up heading towards ground zero. Apparently if you wear more than one at a time that fixes the problem, maybe I could loose a kilo for each bra I put on 5 on 5 kilos lost, who needs more exercise than that in the mornings!

  • Miss T
    November 18, 2011

    This review was HILARIOUS! Worth reading just for use of the terms “tatas”, “rib-bumpers” and “badoinkies”.

    • Silverdragon
      February 6, 2012

      Totally with you there, Miss T – explosive giggles here (trying to muffle them so as to not interrupt hubbie watching Captain America *yawn*).

      Nicole – thanks for the hilarious review! I’ve been wondering about these bras – think I’ll now give ’em a miss (not sure they have the “lift and separate” effect I crave).

      Cheers!

  • Alison Triffett - Style Counsel
    September 19, 2011

    Thanks so much for this great post Ms Nic! It is very relevant to me, as one who always recommends nanna-knickers (or gut-suckers as I prefer to call them) to ALL my clients and friends – regardless of size. I am size zilch and I wear them, so now I can also tell them about your Genie Bra review. The best part is I can confidently recommend without having to try/buy one myself (I’m slowly going broke trialling items for my clients – so thank you! You’ve saved me a motsa honey!) 😉

    Sadly, a common denominator I’ve found, in order for said foundation garments to do their job (which is make us look smokin’ hot on the outside) they often do look more like what my husband calls “soft-on” underwear. “Oh well. Too bad, so sad” I say! If we didn’t look this good clothed (thanks to our not-so-sexy foundation garments) then it really wouldn’t matter how we looked when stripped down to said undies – because we wouldn’t have even gotten that far!

    But, seriously…I’ve even looked into Spanx for MEN – for clients AND my long-suffering husband! I actually dragged him to DJ’s Queens Plaza one Friday night because I needed to see if they lived up to the hype of holding in beer-bellies and man-boobs! I was EVEN going to buy him one for Father’s Day if he liked it! Poor man. I almost had to call on the Sales Assistants for help. I also contemplated calling for a paramedic to have him surgically removed from the garment! I just didn’t have the strength to help extract him from it! Perhaps it was because we were both laughing so much? Not too sure. But it did prove to us both at least two things:

    1) If it DID help suck in a few kgs, the effort required to get it on and off would burn just as many extra calories – a win-win perhaps? BUT…

    2) We just didn’t think either of us would have the time/energy to pull it on/off each day! Therefore at $99 we decided to just go out for dinner instead. Happy Father’s Day honey!

    I am a believer in good foundations. Be they for buildings OR bodies. What’s the point in wearing a white-hot dress if it fails to contain all the lumps and bumps and you feel a little over-exposed/don’t feel confident wearing it? The right nanna-knickers can be the difference between looking hot and looking so not!

    Love ya work Nic!

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    September 18, 2011

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  • Glowless
    September 18, 2011

    If I wore those around here I don’t think I’d ever have sex again.

  • Twitchy
    September 18, 2011

    Thank you Nic for answering so many Genie bra related questions. I’ve learned heaps. As I do consider myself *quite* average, it’s funny that I’ve always self-served the 14C. Scientific, eh? (Also turns out I’m not). However you are right it is important to have the correctly rounded and perpendicular-to-body boobage, the photo adding a nice, educational (if somewhat exhibitionist) touch. (Which were you going for? :P)

    The main Genie Bra thing I want to know is how the fuck do I stop the shitload of US spam emails jamming up my inbox every morning? That was not covered. 😉

  • Purple_cath
    September 18, 2011

    Love it! Great analysis of which bra to initially choose! I think you should do regular product reviews 🙂 kudos for the pics!

  • loulou
    September 18, 2011

    Hi Miss Nick

    Maybe it’s supposed to be a bra that you rub your boobies (like a genie lantern) all day to keep them well hoiked or perky.

    and yes – I do think Zoo will call – if not you call them 🙂

    x

    Loulou

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