The Real Housewives of Melbourne S2 E13 – Reunion Part 2

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Right. Reunion Part 2. It’s going to be hard to top Pettifleur losing her mind at the end of last week’s show, but I have a good feeling about it.

I hope there’s a special guest appearance by the significant others tonight. Certainly the Silver Fox deserves his moment on the couch, and it’d give Ben a chance to wash his hair. Bruce kind of disappeared about halfway through the season, but he must be around somewhere, because Chyka has looked freaking flawless in every episode.

To start things off, in case it we’d forgotten about it (unlikely), we’re given a reminder of PF going postal at the end of the last episode. Such a nutjob. Lydia tries to calm her down, but unless she has a prescription pad with her, she’s wasting her time.

Thankfully they’re addressing the business about PF saying Gina wasn’t a barrister. Apparently Jackie & Gina had been shooting the breeze about family and dreams, as you do, and PF butts in saying that Gina isn’t a barrister, because none of her friends have ever heard of her. I mean, I’m ashamed to admit that I hadn’t heard of Gina before the advent of this glorious show, but that didn’t cause me to question whether or not she was an actual barrister.

Apparently Gina sees red (with sequins, probs) and says to PF “I’m sick of you going on at me all the time”, which seems kind of a lame-o response, but I’ll allow it. All the ladies confirm that whilst there was verbal biffo between Gina and PF, relations between Gina and Jackie were toasty warm. So nothing was even a little bit the way PF had claimed. (Remember how her version was that Gina and Jackie were all up in each other’s bizness? Nuh-uh they weren’t.)

Janet points out that for the rest of them ALL to agree on something, you know it must be the truth. VERY GOOD POINT JANET.

Meanwhile PF is adjusting her yellow dressing gown (I saw one similar in Sussan this week) declaring that there’s NO RESPECT anywhere. Seems she can’t respect people who lie. Which is what she reckons they’re all doing. Not her though, obvs.

Alex decides that PF’s behaviour is bullshit and heads backstage to try and retrieve her. Which is good of him, because Lydia probably needs a break, and God knows she’s earned a cold La Mascara. AP does his best to hose PF down, and she bangs on about how they were calling her a drunk, when “I don’t drink”. I think Jackie sums it up best when she says “she reckons she doesn’t drink – she was FUCKEN PLASTERED.”

Gamble says that after the whole Gina-isn’t-an-actual-barrister thing, she took Gina up to her room, and PF was banging on her door like a lunatic. Not. Drunk. At. All. Gina says PF had been walking down the street yelling “like a gypsy”. Odd metaphor, but having watched A LOT of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, it’s pretty accurate.

PF is continuing to unravel, and at first I thought Lydia was trying that tight hold you use on toddlers when they’re hysterical, but now I realise she was actually fashioning PF’s yellow dressing gown into a straight-jacket. She’s practically MacGyver.

PF evidently didn’t expect this kind of thing to happen (bahahahaahaha) and I kind of wish Lydia would do one of those dramatic face slaps that they do in Days of Our Lives, to bring her to her senses. Instead she tells PF to use her inner bitch. Disappointing.

While AP is coaxing PF back to the couch, Janet suddenly says “fucken hell! Get the other fucken leg to your outfit ok?” which is a) hilarious and b) a reminder that we hadn’t discussed what PF is wearing and all the ways that it is wrong. Not only is it a dress-over-pant situation, but there is only ONE PANT LEG. It is fully offensive.

Anyhoo, AP has worked his magic, and PF is on her way back. She goes on about how she didn’t get where she is now by lying blah blah blah, and is ugly-crying again. Janet says she doesn’t believe PF is crying actual tears from her actual eyeballs, which mortifies Chyka. AP says SHUT UP about 300 times and once everyone does shut up he asks PF (again) what has upset her so much.

Through the fake sobs she sputters dramatically “the lies!” Gina suggests that maybe they didn’t know whether she’d been drinking, at which PF gives Gina a Julie Bishop glare and says “if you say I’m drinking again, you are frickin’ going to really hear something”. Oooh sah scary.

Gina is starting to have fun and says about PF “she doesn’t mind going commando (eww for 9000th time) but she’s embarrassed about being drunk.” GOOD POINT COUNCILLOR.

PF tries AGAIN to say 2 drinks is her max, at which point Janet turns to her and says “I’m going to tell you to your face. What you’re saying is a lie.” In a big surprise to no-one, PF denies it again, and announces she’s not going to talk about it any more. Thank fuck for that.

AP says he’s going to have to shut this down – which, quite frankly, Andy Cohen would have done a lifetime ago. Anyway, he wants to go back to where this started, and asks Gina whether she did in fact call PF the “c-word”. Disappointingly she says “I don’t think I did, did I?” but then goes on to say “I can’t remember what I called her. I called her all sorts of things.” Pinhead? Mouthbreather? Snapperhead? Think Gina! Think!

Thankfully Jackie confirms that Gina did indeed call PF a pićka (pronounced pitch-ka), which is Croatian for c**t. I don’t often get the chance to be grateful for being half Croatian, but this is one of those times.

Next up it’s time to discuss the other hot topic of the season – racism. PF pleads with AP not to go there, as if that’s going to make any difference.

We’re shown a package of all the alleged “racist” moments – I’d completely forgotten about Lydia describing PF as “a real mongrel of a woman”. Haha. Best.

AP asks PF if she’d felt she’d been a target of racism growing up, and in another huge surprise to no-one, she says yes. She talks about the difficulty of being mixed race, and goes the blub again – possibly a wee bit more genuine than last time, but still.

Gina asks PF which part of what she said was racist – “Was it the fact that you have an accent, when you do?” Gah. I love you, but shut up Gina.

AP asks Chyka for her thoughts, which are – GUESS WHAT? “I agree it’s condescending, and I didn’t know she’d been through that as a kid growing up.” For the love of God Chyka, grow some clinkers!

Gina tries to explain that talking about PF’s accent isn’t being racist, and continues to dig a hole so deep she’ll be in Antarctica by the commercial break. STAHP!

PF reckons that if it was a mate making fun of her accent it wouldn’t bother her (mmkay) and Gina says “but we were mates”, and PF shouts “we were never mates”, and then Gina is all “wait, that’s right, when I met you I didn’t like you.”

Poor Chyka is practically having an aneurism at all this unkindness and suggests that if someone doesn’t like something you’re doing, then you should stop doing it. Much like when I don’t like my husband re-arranging the dishwasher, he should cut that shit out. Ahem.

After the commercial break, PF appears to have taken a fucktonne of Xanax, and appears to be happy as a clam, which must be a great relief to everyone.

After dealing with PF, it’s now time to Shine Shine Shine! A look back over Jackie’s many vibes this season is quite a ride. AP asks Jackie how she felt when Gamble dissed her psychic abilities. Jackie was all “well that’s my profession she was heaping shit on” (I *may* be paraphrasing) and “I could have said to Gamble that her paintings look like a 5 year olds”. But because she’s a grown-up, she wouldn’t do that. Oh, wait…

Gamble takes another stab at explaining herself, and does an admirable job at it. Things went slightly awry when she described Jackie’s work as “giving people therapy for 45 minutes” it did look like Jackie might rip her throat out, but other than that, it was a good effort. I give it a B+

Wait. I have to deduct some points because she goes on to say that Jackie should be ok with having fun poked at her, which is probably true, but she maybe should have said it in her head. Even AP gets involved at this juncture and points out that since this is Jackie’s actual profession Gamble’s poking fun at, maybe she should just STFU. Gamble concedes he may have a point, and everything is back as it should be.

Miles on Facebook wants to know when Jackie will do another reading. VERY GOOD QUESTION MILES. Jackie says she’ll definitely do one *if* she comes back for Season 3. SAY YOU’LL COME BACK JACKIE! I would be deadset bereft if she leaves.

Next up we take a look back at some of the less ladylike (i.e. fully bogan) moments from the season. Imma guess Chyka doesn’t feature highly in this package.

Regrettably, we do have to revisit Pettifleur *eating* that cigar dessert thing at Lydia’s place. *gags* I haven’t had my dinner yet, and now I think I just need some dry toast and flat lemonade.

Ooh, I was wrong about Chyka. I’d forgotten about her moment with the strippers. To her credit, she did look very uncomfy underneath that stripper. Ahem.

Gahd. Balls in Gamble’s mouth. Lydia being pounded. IT’S TOO MUCH!

But in what I think may be one of the highlights of the season – big call, I know – the producers give us a montage of Gina adjusting her boobs, and it is EVERYTHING. Look at it!

Boobs.

Boobs.

AP asks Janet if sex is a common topic at the dinner parties of Toorak. Janet answers that “most people are getting it, so they’re talking about it.” PF (from whom we’ve had a glorious 7 minute reprieve) adds “or not getting it”, which makes everybody laugh uproariously. Except Lydia, who is clearly getting it. Related: I hope Warnie makes a special guest appearance tonight.

AP asks Lydia for her thoughts on Chyka getting down and dirty with the strippers, and before she could answer, Chyka declares “I loved it!” I’m starting to think Chyka might just have a flannie and a pair of Uggs stashed away in her bespoke wardrobe.

Monica on Twitter asked how Bruce felt about Chyka’s stripper-based shenanigans. ANOTHER GOOD QUESTION. Thank the Gods of reality TV for viewer questions, because AP’s questions have been rubbish.

Turns out Chyka couldn’t wait to tell Bruce about it, and Bruce told Chyka that he couldn’t wait to see it. I’LL BET HE COULDN’T. Chyka pointed out that the stripper scene had been filmed first thing in the morning, to which Lydia replies “OMG, to get a butt in your face first thing in the morning, gosh you’re doing well.” www.classy.com

After the break, HOORAH IT’S THE SILVER FOX! About time. Just look at them, sitting there like love’s young dream.

Screen Shot 2015-05-16 at 8.26.36 pm

Loving life.

 

AP explains that the distinguished surgeon “took a chance on a blonde, dipsy art consultant, and so far the gamble has paid off.” Could someone please sack the writers? Kthx.

We’re treated to a montage of Gamble being gooey over her Wolfpup (*adds to list of sentences I never thought I’d write*) reminding us that they are an eHarmony success story, which is nice.

Hold everything! I just realised that the Silver Fox sounds EXACTLY like Richard Mercer the Love God! Remember – he used to do “love song dedications” on the wireless. This will mean nothing to you if you were born after 1990. Soz.

My favourite line in the package is Gamble saying “this relationship is different because Rick’s not a psychopath.” Gamble didn’t have the bar set very high.

AP asks the Silver Fox how his life has changed since Gamble joined the show. A slightly less stupid question, but still one that would make Andy Cohen cringe. The Silver Fox reckons it’s been tops, which must certainly cement his place in the cast next year. *crosses everything*.

Angela from Sandringham wants to know if the Silver Fox was troubled by what Gamble went through on the show. Angela, the man worships the ground Gamble walks on, so of course he’s gonna be all “why are people so unkind”. Wait, no, that was Kamahl.

Apparently Wolfpup the Silver Fox has embraced social media, and is loving himself sick because of his new-found fame. Good for him. Jackie points out that he’s lost some pounds, which makes him even more up himself. Just look at how happy he is with life.

In exciting news, Gamble and the Silver Fox have settled on a wedding date, sharing only that it’ll be in September. Gamble lets slip that it will probably be on the show, and a thousand Arena executives freak the fuck out.

A quick pash and the Silver Fox is off to save lives. Or eyes.

And you know what that means? It can’t be put off any longer. It’s time to discuss The Rumour. AP introduces the subject by recalling Chyka’s question to Gamble – “if it’s a story about you, do you want to know?” Gah.

Then we have to watch 7000 clips of The Rumour being discussed, after which AP asks Gamble why she couldn’t let it go. Fair question. I’ll allow it.

Gamble was bothered by the fact that it was likely to make the tabloids. Ya think? She didn’t care if someone called her a stripper or a call girl, but if ERRRYONE IN MELBOURNE (waving arms) was casting aspersions on her character, well that is not cool.

AP asks Janet why *she* reckons it lasted the whole season, and she says that she *had* heard the rumour, and was pissed off at being accused of making them up, and indeed being accused of actually calling Gamble those things. She goes on to say that *somebody* could have shut it all down in 2 seconds. AP translates this for us, which is good of him, by suggesting that that *somebody* had let Janet take the heat all season. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHO??

The post-commercial break music is deep and threatening, so you just know shit is about to get real.

Janet begins by saying that the person who started the rumour had, until that point, chosen not to come forward, but was welcome to do so now. Sure, that’s totally going to happen.

Chyka freaks the fuck out that anyone would even think it was her, and Lydia asks “you’re not saying it’s me?” whilst looking panic-stricken. I’m starting to think this isn’t going to end well for Lydia.

Janet takes a sledgehammer to the final nail in Lydia’s coffin, when she says “well you were the one who told me Lydia.” Fark. I wouldn’t have picked Lydia. Even though I love Gina hard, I admit I had her pegged as Rumour McRumourson.

This isn't going to end well.

This isn’t going to end well.

Right. So it seems Carlos (remember him?) had told Lydia about the sex parties, and Lydia had told Janet. Because apparently they’re all in Grade 5.

Janet reckons she waited all season (didn’t we all…) for Lydia to ‘fess up to telling her, and Lydia says “you should have said something!” which seems reasonable TBH. AP asks Lydia why she didn’t cop to telling Janet, and Lydia is all “something something Florence something Carlos something”, and wishing Warnie would swoop in and rescue her.

Janet is upset that her credibility was brought into question, and Gamble says “I never questioned your credibility. I always knew you were full of shit.” Ha! Poor Chyka needs her smelling salts, and Janet is NAHT happy. Her response is “you’d better watch out because there’s a lot more shit about you baby.”

Wow! That came out of nowhere! But it gets better – Janet continues to Gamble “you are mashugana (Yiddish for crazy or bizarre.) You are a very crazy woman. I’m very happy to leave it there.”

What in the actual fuck was that all about?

But before we can find out, AP is welcoming Janet’s mole friend Manuela to the couch. She’s wearing a brocade mullet dress that I’m pretty sure I saw at my son’s Grade 11 semi-formal.

Interestingly AP suggests she sit on the couch with Gamble, but that would involve Lydia scooching over to the end. Lydia’s diva rant “I’M NOT GOING TO THE END” is gold. Once the seating was sorted, AP asks Manuela about her experience on the show. Yawn. Yeah, she loved it. AP moves on to how she’d heard The Rumours, and Manuela explains that she’d heard it from “sources that were not pursued by her”, whatever the fuck that means. She says she didn’t even know Gamble, and that The Rumours just landed in her lap. Puh-leese.

There’s a very pleasing package of Gamble saying “fuck you” many many times to Manuela and then a scene that I don’t recall at all, which surprises me because it’s AWESOME! Manuela is up in Gamble’s grill about where she earns her money, and Gamble answers “reality TV you fucking c**t”. HA! You go girl!

AP asks what they have against each other, and predictably Manuela claims to have nothing against Gamble, but Gamble calls bullshit. Manuela reckons she has to look down on Gamble because she’s taller than Gamble. Shut up Manuela. You’re loathesome.

Ellie on Twitter wants to know why Gamble said Manuela was aggressive. Again with the stupid questions! But wait – maybe not so stupid! Gamble answers that it’s because Manuela feels Gamble had her role in the show. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING! I mean, I did think that Manuela might turn up in the full-time cast next year, but that was all.

What did they put in Gamble’s La Mascara? She’s morphed into someone I barely recognise. She goes on to say that Manuela is stalking the show and Manuela is starting to look rattled. She aggressively asks Gamble why she thinks she’s aggressive, and Gamble is all “duh, listen to yourself”. Manuela thinks she’s being “defensive to my friend” and whilst I know what she’s trying to say, I’m very much enjoying that her words actually make no sense.

There’s some to-ing and fro-ing that bores me a bit until Gamble suddenly says to Manuela “You’re a piece of shit.” Excellent.

Jamie of Bathurst asks Gamble if she’s taking a leaf out of Gina’s book by calling Manuela the c-word. In another breathtakingly fab response, Gamble simply “yes, when the shoe fits” and I’m high-fiving her through the screen.

Ooh, Chyka just gave a totes disapproving look. Not sure at whom though. Will assume Manuela.

But then WHOA! Gamble goes fully bogan and says “your pussy’s too dry to ride me this hard Manuela”, and thankfully someone asked her to repeat it, because I could not believe my ear holes.

Thank fuck for Foxtel’s rewind feature, because I needed to hear it several times to confirm it actually happened. All the ladies are dying a thousand deaths, except for Janet who has no idea what it means. Remarkably it’s Chyka who whispers that she’ll explain it later. Bless.

Poor AP didn’t know which way to look, so he asked Gamble and Manuela his most sensible question to date – “is there a world in which you two can be friends”. I wish one of them had said “fuck no”, but Gamble – oddly – says “we’ll see”. Imma go with fuck no.

Back after the commercial break and there’s still no Warnie. Disappointing.

Instead we look back at Gina’s antics over the season. This revolved around Gina asking Lydia about the rumours of her separation from Andrew, intimating that Janet had the hots for the Silver Fox, and suggesting that Gamble’s makeup artist was the source of The Rumours. Well, when you put it like that, she hasn’t exactly been Mother Theresa this season.

Gina does a woeful job at explaining that asking about the makeup artist wasn’t spreading a rumour but just asking a question, and once again I want to reach through the screen and tape up her gob with duct tape.

Janet and Gina then go medieval on each other, and there are a lot of “shut ups” thrown around, which is not very couture of them.

AP asks Gina if she was trying to hurt Lydia by asking about her marriage, and Gina says she truly thought they’d broken up. I’m gonna say she’s telling the truth here, and NOT just because I may have read the same thing (because #research).

Janet gets all huffy about the fact that she’s had shade thrown at her all season about her part in The Rumours, when it seems Gina has been doing the same thing. Kind of. Gina wants the right of reply, to which Janet replies that there’s not enough time to sit through Gina’s explanation. And then she slides off the couch as if falling asleep, which would have been especially awkward in her sparkly frock.

AP suggests to Gina that she’d kind of done the same thing as Janet, and then Janet asks for an apology, to which Gina replies “I’m not giving you one”. So that went well.

Time to wrap things up, so AP asks the ladies what they’ve learned from the season.

Jackie manages to be more vanilla than I would have thought possible. “We all make mistakes, we’ll always be in each others lives, blah blah blah.” The angels must have buggered off home, because that response was hopeless.

Chyka has learned about bringing up things in conversation, the right thing, the wrong thing etc, and how she’d change what she said and did. Am nodding off just listening to her.

Janet regrets telling Gamble the rumour. DUH. She also regrets some bad hair choices. AP’s advice that she should back away from the hair extensions is spot on.

Gina has learned that her sense of humour can sometimes get her into trouble, and that she needs to play better with others.

Lydia’s biggest regret is not supporting Janet. And she’s made a beautiful new friend in Pettifleur. I hope they’ll be very happy together.

PF isn’t comfortable about her relationships with the ladies, but is optimistic about being friends. Her chances of that happening are slightly south of fuck-all.

Gamble is so loved up with the Silver Fox that she now adores everyone and everything. Hopefully she also learned that hair should be more or less one colour.

Oh hang on. AP has a surprise for us. UNSEEN FOOTAGE! HUZZAH! Judging by the reactions from the couch, this is not necessarily welcome news. 6 x ladies shitting themselves.

AP starts off by saying “it seems there was only one way to say who was top dog this season.” Cut to a scene at Gamble’s dog races. Lord have mercy on the writer’s soul.

OMG! It’s the ladies themselves racing! Their inappropriate footwear suddenly becomes inappropriate to the power of a million. In a nod to the traditional egg and spoon race, the ladies are running with glasses of champagne in their hands, which means we’re about to witness some significant wastage of champagne, which seems irresponsible.

Like gazelles.

Like gazelles.

They take off looking like pre-schoolers at sports day, and every bit as unco. There’s champagne going everywhere, and skirts akimbo, except for Lydia who had the foresight to wear shorts.

While Lydia may have been first over the line, I think we can all agree that sport was the winner.

Well that’s it for the reunion. The ladies are rooted, and not in a good way. I reckon this year’s cast has been fantastic, and shouldn’t be tinkered with, although I fully expect to see vile Manuela join them next year. IMHO they should punt Alex Perry. I think I’ll start a campaign to have Grant Denyer as host. Who’s with me?

The Real Housewives of Melbourne S2 E12 – Reunion Part 1

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Reunion Part 1! What a time to be alive!

Let’s not waste any time. I love the whole arrivals things. It’s like the anti-red carpet, where they all emerge from their limos makeup-free and looking shit (apart from Gina, obvs) and then are transformed into the glorious beings we know and despise love.

Jackie, sitting in the makeup chair, says “I just hope that everybody gets along”. Bahahahhaa. Jacks, babes, this isn’t your first time at the rodeo. That is NAHT going to happen.

Chyka arrives carrying a garment bag so vast it could be holding Rihanna’s Met Gala gown. But nay, it’s a fab green gown to be paired with – OMG LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THOSE EMERALDS – some understated emerald bling.

Janet arrives and I was able to get this AWESOME screenshot of her hair being done. You’re welcome.

Screen Shot 2015-05-10 at 1.29.30 pm

Lydia is all side-swept old Hollywood waves, which totally work for her, and PF is nervy about what might happen with Gina on the couch. Seems like a reasonable concern.Gina arrives, fully coiffed, frocked and made up, OBVIOUSLY, and Gamble is ready, wearing a 300kg necklace and with both hair colours blow-waved and tonged to perfection.

Ohai Alex Perry and your aviator tiara. I’m still not sure about AP as host. He’ll never be AC (Andy Cohen DUH) but he didn’t do a rubbish job last year.

AP opens with “Janet, are you ready to have the tea-leaves read tonight?” I see what you did there Alex – tea-leaves. Janet’s tea. SAH CLEVER. Nice segue into how good it was to see Jake on the show. Good job AP.

Gamble describes herself as the “fresh blood”, and says she has no idea what she’s in for. DID SHE NOT WATCH LAST YEAR’S REUNION?? If not, well she only has herself to blame.

PF is wearing a name-plate necklace which appears to say “Switch the Bitch”. Ugh. At least Lydia’s “WOW” necklace is kind of sweet. PF’s looks like something you’d choose when you cash in your tickets at a games arcade.

AP calls Jackie “the barometer of truth” this season, which Jackie reckons is spot on. She goes on to *suggest* that the ladies aren’t always honest or themselves on camera, which I’m pretty sure is directed at Gina.

AP asks Lydia how Andrew is doing because we missed him. We didn’t, but still. He had a blood infection, and then open heart surgery, but he’s doing well so let’s move on. AP suggests to Lydia that she took a back seat this season, which seemed like news to Lydia. But being the professional she is, she ran with it and explained that she had a hard time after last year’s season, especially with the online world. I don’t think she needs to worry about that this year. PF, on the other hand….

AP asks Gina about her book, which is an actual book, as opposed to whatever it is that PF has produced. Back when the reunion was filmed, Gina was yet to launch her book, and apparently certain peeps were uninvited. Gina reckons she “invited all the girls, but not everyone received invitations”. Sure. That makes sense. Turns out Gina decided it wasn’t a “Housewives” event, so she should keep it simple. Except, and I say this with love because Gina is my BFF, the only reason anyone will buy the book is, you know, HOUSEWIVES.

Chyka points out that it’s generally not cool to uninvite people to an event. Gina defends herself by explaining that the “energy” created when all the ladeez get together may not be conducive to a successful event. She makes a good point. In short, Gina just wants to avoid having to stab any of them, which seems like good event management right there.

AP suggests to Chyka (whose quiff is looking especially sky-high tonight) that she “slid off the fence” this season, but Chyks reckons she was never on the fence. I don’t know what show she was watching last season, but there’s a reason she is still known as Switzerland.

We take a look back over some of the attempts at the ladies imitating each other – kicking off with Gina’s weird “big or little? I don’t know chickenhawk” moment, which remains disturbing and inexplicable; Gamble asking PF who her publisher is (excellent); Lydia making fun of Gamble’s speech impediment lisp (mean); Janet trying and failing to replicate Gina’s glorious “deck of cards” speech from Season 1; Gina mimicking Jackie’s lie detector comment (maybe don’t do that again babes); Gamble saying “shine shine shine” without putting any effort into at all (needs work); and Janet doing Gamble’s arm-circling “everyone in Melbourne…” war-cry more times than I can count. Oh gahd – now the whole couch is doing it. Bingo wings ERRYWHERE!

Time for viewer Q&A. Next year I’m getting a question up on the Reunion if it kills me. Life goals. Kaye from Concord asks Gamble if it upset her to hear Lydia mock her lithp. Sorry. Not sorry. (I pray to karma and the gods of reality television that someone brings up the 71th floor comment.)

Turns out it did upset her, because she knows she doesn’t speak properly at times. AP asks why it happens, and Gamble explains it was to do with surgery, hearing, something, bones in ears, something something, too much detail.

Still, it put Lydia in her place, and she looks as embarrassed as the horses that took them to PF’s party last week.

“A friendship forged in steel and studded in sequins”, says AP about Gina and Gamble’s connection. First of all, writers, “forged in steel” doesn’t work. Could I suggest “forged in heels”? I should totally be a writer on this show.

Flashback to some fun moments – I’d forgotten about Gamble saying she’d turn for Gina. That was a beautiful moment. Gina recognises a fangirl when she sees one (she definitely did when she met me. Ahem.) and Gamble ticks all those boxes. Mind you, when we see the scene of Gina going the grope with Gamble’s boobaloos at the Billich gallery, I’m thinking it went both ways, which sounds a lot more crude than it did in my head.

Jackie reckons Gamble has gone a bit single white female, which I actually think is on the money, apart from the whole murdering-her-twin part. They do kind of dress the same, and they pretty much have the same hair (apart from Gamble having two colours). Now I’m thinking the producers should maybe check into whether Gamble ever had a twin…

As if to make the point, in some horrible teevee magic, they morph Gamble into Gina. CREEPY DOT COM! Dear Producers, just because it worked in One Direction’s You & I video (I’m told. Ahem.) doesn’t mean you could use it here. Don’t do it again. Love Nic”

AP asks Gamble why she thinks their friendship worked, and poor Gamble can barely contain her embarrassment about the whole thing. Still, she tells us how much she admires Gina and she wants to instil some of Gina’s qualities in her stepdaughter (did we even know the Silver Fox had a daughter?). Anyhoo, that all seems perfectly reasonable, and not at all creepy-single-white-female to me.

Meanwhile on the other couch, PF is pulling all sorts of faces and – HANG ON! She’s wearing a “Switch the Bitch” knuckle-duster as well. So gangsta and ridiculous.

AP asks PF why she questioned Gina and Gamble’s friendship, and she tries to say that she didn’t think they had much in common. Umm, LOOK AT THEM!

PF reckons Gamble has a crush on Gina (derr), but Gamble takes issue with the way she says it. She tries to explain all the reasons she admires Gina, to which PF replies “keep going up her…sniffing her butt like a little dog the whole time”. She’s probs just jealous that no-one was sniffing hers.

Janet decides to stick her bib in and say that she too thinks Gamble is up Gina’s arse like a bedazzled g-string* (*not her exact words).

Gamble is totes disgusted by the “up her butt” language, and Chyka points out that there might be a better way of putting it. (I’m trying to think of one, but I’ve got nothing.) Gamble says that Gina is like a female version of the Silver Fox, which I can totally see. Apart from the sequins, obvs.

Chyka makes the point that it’s possible – and great – to make new friends later in life. And she’s dead right. I used to be all “I have no room on my roster for new friends”, but then out of nowhere (ok, Twitter) I have made some awesome new friends whom I ADORE.

Time to eviscerate discuss PF. Hooray! AP describes her as a “pocket rocket with a big sense of style and….an even bigger mouth to match.” Word. A quick look back at our introduction to PF, just in case we need reminding of how awful she is.

Ooh I’d forgotten about her “gluggy-butt” when she dressed up for Gamble’s dinner party. Definitely a high point.

Megan from Balaclava asks “PF…where do you get your confidence from?”. Geez, producers, really? *yawns*. In true PF fashion, she answers with something that means one-tenth of fuck-all – “I had to basically get my confidence from myself.”

Miles from Facebook asks “why do you talk to people like they’re 2nd class citizens?” That’s more like it.

PF replies “…I’m far from that type of person.” WHUT?! When even Lydia is pointing out that it “translates as something very different”, you know you’re full of shit.

PF responds that “it might translate that way, but it’s not coming from the heart.” Whatever that means. Of course then she bangs on about having to “kick butt to get where I am” because she works in a man’s world blah blah blah.

AP moves on to Gamble, with her “Pomeranian, some chicken noises and a Wolf or two.” Christ on a tractor, the writing on this reunion is WOEFUL. Andy Cohen will die a thousand deaths when he sees this.

Nice look back at Gamble’s introduction to us. It’s easy to forget just how vacuous she seemed back then. Wait….

And there’s the Silver Fox – he was the unexpected gift with purchase this season.

I’m loving the chance to revisit the toddler outfit Gamble wore at the golf day. And there’s Hurricane Tempest, pre-surgery. Good times.

AP asks about the counting calories thing – which is good, because we never really unpacked that comment during the season. Gamble starts the day with a hearty Nespresso coffee and a diet Coke. Lunch is a plate of “breakfast sides” – tomato, spinach etc. Chyka looks like she wants to give her a medium Big Mac meal stat. Gamble explains that her secret is no bread, rice or pasta, which explains her frame, but not necessarily the Silver Fox’s. I agree with Chyka when she says that he must be sneaking out for a burger. With a side of chips. And a dim sim. Probably.

Ben on Twitter asks whether Gamble is super bright or very dumb. Fair question. Gamble says “both”. Predictable.

AP brings up the “nouveau riche” and “old money” stoush. We see some fantastic footage of PF being an 18 carat bitch about Gamble, but this time we get to see Gamble’s reaction. I love that part of the reunions – those little screens in the corner are fantastic.

Cut to Gamble being similarly bitchy (but with far more justification IMHO) about PF – especially about her being nouveau riche, and the reaction on PF’s dial is priceless.

There’s another sighting of PF’s spectacularly awful head-dress – which I’ve screenshotted for you, because I’m thoughtful like that. Also, how good is the look on Gamble’s face?

Screen Shot 2015-05-10 at 4.54.57 pm

AP thought that the two new girls might have stuck together, and wonders why that didn’t happen. Please can somebody say “because PF is a mole”?

Gamble tries to explain that PF’s behaviour is contrary to what she writes (and I use the term loosely) in her stupid book. It’s true that PF was always dumping on Gamble’s jewellery, handbags etc, and Gamble drew the reasonable conclusion that PF was obsessed with money. No shit Sherlock.

AP asks PF for her response, which is “she’s cuckoo”. Mmmkay. PF reckons she’s about having fun, and that what she says isn’t malicious. Even the ladeez that support PF are holding up invisible bullshit signs.

Gamble reminds PF that she had never insulted PF’s intelligence, taste or style (s’ok babes, I’m all over that), yet PF had gone to town on her. Apparently PF has been Bitchy McBitch off camera as well and she should just suck up Gamble’s lightweight “nouveau riche” insult. Seriously, who even is this new Gamble?

Emma on Facebook asks PF if she thinks it’s rude to question someone about their money. Chyka reckons that no matter where one comes from, it makes no difference to anything. PF – Queen of “I came from nothing blah blah blah” – is practically hyperventilating at the other end of the couch. She totally ignores what Chyka has just said, and says that it’s only cool to talk about someone’s new money if you have really, really, super old money yourself.

Out of nowhere, Gamble looks at PF and says “your money comes from your ex-husband”, which I didn’t see coming! Wait – does PF have an ex-husband? Please please have an ex-husband!

Ooh, I think she might have, because suddenly she apologises to Gamble for asking about her money. PLEASE DON’T LEAVE IT THERE!!!

Noooooo! Commercial break! I wanna hear about the ex-husband!

Ah crap. We’ve moved on to Gina Vs Jackie. I don’t care for this storyline. Apart from all the “get fuckeds” and “no, you get fuckeds” and “oh fuck offs” that got thrown around, it was kind of a snooze. It saddens me that my two BFFs can’t get along.

Oh god, Jackie just saw Gina describe her as “some random, bogan woman”, and I predict the angels will go MENTAL about that, because I’m a little bit psychic.

AP asks Jackie & Gina if they’re frenemies, and Jackie responds that they just really butt heads. She reckons it might be a European thing, which makes sense. Being half Croatian myself, I can confirm that all that European passion can be very freaking inconvenient. AP thinks it’s all very healthy because they just get it all out, but Gina says she’d rather Jackie just keep it all in. Like that’s ever gonna happen. Also, boring.

Gina reckons she doesn’t come after Jackie, but Janet points out that she did call Jackie a bogan, which she did actually find insulting. But not before she googled it – bless – and discovered that Gina was insulting working-class Australians. I think Jackie is maybe taking things a wee bit far there, because who doesn’t love the word bogan?

Gina clarifies that she wasn’t talking about working class Australians, she was only talking about Jackie. Ha! But Jackie takes things up a notch and is appalled that Gina “as a legal aid barrister….” could say such a thing. Someone give Jackie a La Mascara immediately.

Jackie is firmly of the opinion that Gina called her a bogan because of her prolific (and hilarious) use of the word “couture”, but Gina corrects her and says it was because she pronounced “gone” as “gooorne” – which is very hard to spell phonetically.

I get what Jackie is trying to do with the google-definition of “bogan”, but if she’d used the Australian Oxford Dictionary, which I’ve used because am proper investigative writer* (*not actually investigative), she would have seen that it’s defined there as “person who is regarded as being uncultured or unsophisticated”. Which makes Gina’s use entirely appropriate.

Gina then explains that PF’s partner Frank is a long-term friend of Gina’s partner, Dean. Now that right there is a fact I would have like to have known DURING THE SEASON. Anyhoo, Dean went to PF’s party but wasn’t part of the production so he stayed on the balcony with Frank. Gina explains that Jackie was paranoid that Dean might crack the shits over her reading about him having an affair, but that she and Jackie had had a long convo about it, and it was all sorted. But at the time of the party, Jackie was feeling very threatened, and that was why she’d gone fully off her nut that night.

Next thing you know, Jackie’s sobbing on the couch because she’d been so scared, and I’m kind of thinking this is something that should have been included in the actual season. AMIRITE??

Jonno of Fremantle wants to know why Jackie & Janet got so upset over the dilated pupils comment by Gina. Janet reckons it wasn’t the dilated pupils thing, it was the fact that Gina bolted after she said it. Does anyone else think Janet just goes looking for reasons to go the biff?

Janet says Gina “smashes and runs” but Gina says that what she actually does is “reacts and runs” after someone else starts it. This pisses Janet off so much that she needs to get up and have a sparkly beverage. Suddenly everyone is thirsty and it’s time for a break.

There must not have been enough sparkly beverage to go around, because things are even more tense on the couch after the commercial break.

But hooray! We’re going to talk about PF’s stupid book! AP kicks things off by saying that PF’s mission this season was to “switch the bitch”. We sit through a package of PF saying “switch the bitch” 7000 times, with no explanation of its meaning, as usual.

Watching it from the little box in the corner, we see Gina lean over to Lydia and say “do you get moved watching this? I want to smack her.” So excellent.

Seriously, watching that much of PF in one go is asking a lot of the viewers. Even PF seems to think so, because she’s actually going the blub. AP asks if she’s going to do a reading of “Switch the Bitch”, and I can’t decide if I want that to happen or not. I’M SO CONFLICTED!!

Jackie is going in to bat for PF, saying that PF has felt ostracised this season and people should understand and be more sensitive about it. Oh for fuck’s sake. AP asks PF why it’s so emotional for her, and she sobs into her Kleenex that the book is about how she strengthens herself to be in the position she is. Nope. Still no fucking idea what that means.

Gina, not unreasonably IMO, asks her why it makes her cry. PF blubs that she’s put so much time and money into the book to get it out there, selflessly (she actually said selflessly) to other women.

While Chyka is handing over tissues and, as per, being lovely and caring, Janet says to her “It’s bullshit – there’s not a fucking tear there” and for a hot minute I actually love Janet.

Suddenly PF pulls out a copy of “Switch the Bitch” – ugh – and announces that her 15 year old son had edited it. Here’s the thing. I don’t know PF’s son, but I have a 15yo son, so I speak with some authority when I say that only a gun to the head could make my son read a self-help book, let alone edit it. Also, having her son edit it isn’t the same as having an ACTUAL EDITOR.

Oh lord have mercy, we’re having a reading. I think my favourite bit (and by favourite I obviously mean “the most ridiculous”) is this:

“ This book is written for women, by a woman, who has gracefully discovered the formula for personal fulfilment and also for romance filled with fresh steps to the intoxicating dance of love.”

I cannot understand why she couldn’t find a publisher.

Here is a screenshot of Gamble’s face at the “intoxicating dance of love” comment.

Screen Shot 2015-05-10 at 6.36.29 pm

Moving on, AP asks Chyka if she thinks the use of the word “bitch” is derogatory. Chyka practically hoists the Swiss flag here, saying that at first she didn’t like it, but once she understood how it was being used she was fine with it. I have to say I’m a bit disappointed that Chyka was so supportive. Would it have killed her to say it was shithouse? Gina agrees with me (obvs) saying “Chyka, you’re so agreeable!” Chyka actually takes this as a compliment, which I’m not sure is where Gina was going with it. It must be deadest exhausting to be glass-half-full all the time.

Things go a bit awry when Gina tells Chyka that she (Chyka) tries to be friends with everybody, which translates to being friends with nobody. Even Janet is shocked by Gina’s statement. At least I think she is, because #botox.

Jessie on Instagram asks PF if she knew about the other book “The Bitch Switch” before she started to write her stupid book, and is she concerned about it.

PF claims she knew about it (I call bullshit), and she’s not concerned about being sued, because it’s content you can’t copy, not a title. I do not know if this is true, and I CBF googling.

PF bangs on about how *people* shouldn’t make statements without doing their research, and it’s been hard to take the flak she’s copped on social media etc. She says all the ladies supported her at her book launch, except Gamble and Gina, which isn’t fair, because I saw them do the Bitch Flick with my own eyeballs.

Gamble tries to explain that when she gave PF the heads up about the title, she was just trying to be a friend. This may be stretching the truth a little. She was just concerned that the book didn’t look finished and didn’t look entertaining. PF tries to explain that it’s “raw” whatever the fuck that means, and Jackie and Chyka are all “why do we have to put people down??”.

Jackie asks Gamble if she had ever published a book, and Gamble tries to say she’s published magazines, but Jackie tells her to stop putting her big nose where it’s not wanted. Which is unkind, because Gamble spent A LOT OF MONEY on that nose.

Lydia suddenly yelps “columns!” presumably suggesting that Gamble had only ever published columns. Which a) isn’t a thing and b) isn’t true. Gamble has published a whole magazine, you fucking idiot Lydia*. (*her words, not mine) She then says “why don’t you google people before you talk about them?” Ha.

Lydia fully loses her shit at Gamble, telling her not to get shitty with her when she doesn’t know what she’s done in magazines. Seriously, do these women not google each other like regular people?

AP is starting to panic that things are going completely off the rails, so he tries to rein them all in by telling each couch to shut up, which is something Andy Cohen would never do. AP asks Lydia what has got her knickers in a twist, and she replies that she’s upset about the way Gamble just spoke to her. She goes on to provide a version of what she said which is completely different to what she actually said.

AP asks Gamble to respond, and she explains that she worked for a magazine that was slowly going broke, which is probably not something she should have led with. PF practically levitates with happiness over this admission. Gamble goes on to say that because they were going broke, they also lost a lot of people, so she finished up pretty much putting the whole magazine together. She needs to stop talking now.

PF tells Gamble that that experience should make her especially supportive of her (PF’s) book, but Gamble points out that she can’t be supportive of something she thinks is crap. Seems fair enough.

Gamble suggests that they should wait until the reviews are out, and in a statement that will surprise exactly no-one, PF says she doesn’t care about reviews.

AP announces that he needs to “switch seven bitches off”, and he really needs to cut that shit out. Largely because it makes PF say things like “At least I’ve got a bloody good catchphrase out of it.” Fuck she’s insufferable.

After the commercial break, AP opens with “one is five foot nothing, the other is five foot of hair.” Dear Arena, please sack the writers. Regards, Nic.”

We’re being taken on a journey through Gina and PF’s relationship. So many glorious moments of PF being irritating as fuck and Gina pointing out when PF is being irritating as fuck.

AP asks Gina what went wrong – did she ever actually click with PF? Gina is all HELL NO at which PF does a MASSIVE hair flick. Gina dials it back a bit and says she didn’t *dislike* PF, but didn’t feel any special connection.

Rachel on Twitter asks PF why her friendship with Gina didn’t happen, even though she had been so excited about meeting her. PF gets all serious and replies that she had no control over that. How about DON’T BE A MOLE?

PF blames “underlying snickering” (it wasn’t all that underlying, but still). And then she says that when she met Gina, Gina was like a dog trying to hump her leg. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?? Gina looks at PF like she’s mental and PF bangs on about how Gina was always snickering and making snide remarks. Lydia is feeling left out, so turns to Gina and tells her that she can be condescending and she needs to cut that shit out.

In a shock move, Chyka weighs in, telling Gina that she never owns up to anything. Harsh. Gina defends herself describing PF’s delusions as “unrequited love”. Ha!

PF continues to talk about Gina having digs at her, but I’m so bored by this issue that I need to have a double-shot espresso.

But just when I’m about to nod off, AP mentions something about an incident during the publicity tour. He actually uses the term “secret squirrel” and on the other side of the world Andy Cohen is sobbing into his monogrammed pillow.

PF says she’s quite embarrassed by whatever it is, which means it must be EXCELLENT.

PF says she was minding her own business and Jackie and Gina were having a bitchfight go at each other, and suddenly she gets pulled into the fight. As she’s telling the story, Janet and Jackie are cacking themselves, and PF asks what’s so funny. Gamble, who is clearly aware of what went down says “that’s not the way it went down honey”.

*Prays to the gods of reality TV that this is worth it*

AP tells them to let PF finish, and Jackie says “I want to hear the rest of this story.” PF says Gina is talking about “Pettifleur and her commando (ewww) and her landing strip (ewwwwwwwww)”. (NB: the ewwwws are mine) And PF is all “I don’t want to get involved in this. I always go commando and I own it.” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHUT UP.

PF continues, however, saying that Gina took her hand and twisted it (what, like a chinese burn??) and called her “the c-word” four times. Evidently PF “was not wanting my body to be gouged” so she wanted to get the hell out of there. Wherever that was.

Gina’s response is awesome – “PF, you’re divine really, just getting it so wrong it’s actually cute”, so now I’m DYING to hear the proper version.

Jackie starts off by saying that it wasn’t she and Gina getting into it – it was actually PF and Gina. Everyone agrees with that, and PF starts to splutter something inaudible. Jackie says that the argument was started by PF when she said that Gina wasn’t a barrister. Am devo that there wasn’t a camera there to capture that moment.

PF claims she only talked about it when she got dragged into it. Jackie attempts to correct her, but PF tries to say that Jackie didn’t know what went on. Jackie hits back with the fact that PF was shitfaced, and PF replies that she doesn’t drink, but then says 2 drinks is her maximum. Whatevs, you moron.

Gamble tells PF she was drunk as a skunk, which is a term I haven’t heard since 1986, and PF takes her bat and ball and storms out, declaring she can take anything, but she won’t take lies. “You’re all lying. Don’t lie!” We all know how Jackie feels about being accused of lying. Those angels will be farking furious. Gina and Gamble are laughing so hard they may need to change their undies after the show.

PF is losing her mind, and it’s the best television EVER. She screeches “I’m 50 and I’m skinny because I don’t drink!” Jackie screeches back “How dare you say that! You’re full of shit!” Thank God. Jackie is finally on board the PF-is-ridiculous train, and everything is as it should be.

The Real Housewives of Melbourne S2 E11 – Hound Jockeys and a Bedazzled Moon

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Well that was the fastest 11 weeks in history. Why can’t the first 11 weeks of say, pregnancy, go that fast? Or the school holidays? Thank fuck we still have the reunion shows to ease the transition to a Melbs-Housewives-free-zone.

We’re kicking things off with Gamble’s “dream event” – her dog races for pets. As opposed to dog races for what? Husbands? The ladies are descending upon a park in inappropriate footwear, all with their respective dogs. And I use the term “dogs” loosely, because #Pomeranians and #Figaro.

I’m concerned that they’re about to use a public park for this event. As the wife of a Local Government Councillor, I take these issues very seriously. (Related: being the spouse of the person responsible for roads, rates, rubbish and rats is not as glamorous as it sounds.) I hope Gamble has obtained the necessary permits.

Jackie doesn’t have a dog, so she’s a no-show, but PF has stolen borrowed someone’s dog, which shouldn’t be annoying, but it is.

Gina’s dog Ninja is the first one to have a dump. I wish it had been PF’s pretend dog, because seeing her do the poop-scoop with a Coles bag would have been the highlight of my year.

Wow, Gamble has gone all out for these dog-races-for-pets. She’s set up a course with hay bales and pastel bunting. I’m having Great British Bake-Off flashbacks again.

Ninja and Cash (Gamble’s Pomeranian, for those of you who are late to this particular party) take an instant dislike to each other. Gamble reads into this that Gina is having a go at her over the makeup artist/stripper rumours. This totally makes sense. Wait, NO IT DOESN’T.

Janet’s dogs Boychik (I mean seriously) and Bella think they’re people, so they only sit on chairs, not the ground. I know A LOT of dogs that will only sit on chairs, even though they’re perfectly aware that they’re dogs. I’m looking at you Leo the Labrador.

The rules of the dog-races-for-pets state that only one dog per Housewife can race, so Bella will sit it out so Boychik can have his moment of glory. Sorry, but Boychik is a fucking stupid name for a dog.

The sensible money is, of course, on Mr Figaro, what with him being an actual Greyhound. Of the Italian variety, but still.

Look at his tiny jockey!

Look at his tiny jockey!

Chyka’s also got 2 dogs – Milo, who has a snoring problem (the relevance of which is questionable), and Ollie, who Chyka has nominated as her racing hound. Ollie is a bit fitter than Milo, who has been indulging in a few too many tins of MyDog.

Janet asks Gamble if Boychik can have a handicap. YES HIS NAME IS HIS HANDICAP. Sorry, that was just too easy. Handicapping is all too complicated for Gamble, so she focuses instead on jockeys for the dogs. If it was anyone else you’d think they were joking, but this is Gamble we’re talking about, so out come the little jockeys she’s prepared earlier, which are duly attached to the back of the hounds. Which is not weird at all.

Gamble has recruited some “handlers”, which look suspiciously like lovely Luke, son of the Silver Fox, and maybe even PF’s son? There’s one other dude, but I’m not interested enough to find out who he is.

The producers are *maybe* going a bit over the top with the Chariots of Fire music – have they even seen Cash-the-Pomeranian?

The aerial shot of the race is nice touch – good job ArenaTV. PF tries to lure her *borrowed* dog with chocolate which is, of course, poisonous to dogs. Stupid bint.

Not surprisingly, Figaro holds the lead for the majority of the race, but IN A STUNNING UPSET Cash-the-Pomeranian pips him at the post. Lydia is stunned, and despite appearing to take it well, you just know she wants to cut a bitch.

Boychik comes third, even without a handicap, and in a glorious turn of events, PF’s *borrowed* dog Max decided the whole thing was ridiculous, and that he wanted nothing to do with it. Good dog.

Gamble is fully up herself over the success of the dog race, and has decided to make it an annual event, for charity obvs. After Figaro’s loss, I predict Lydia will begin immediate race preparation, because that shit cannot be allowed to happen again.

Gina makes the point, for about the 35th time, that Jackie isn’t there, and notes that their relationship is a bit like a mother and a teenage daughter, which I reckon is pretty accurate. However, Gina’s observation is strangely irrelevant to the dog race, so I predict that we’re about to see some major shit go down between them after the ad break. Am psychic like that.

I’m going to miss those aerial sweep shots of Melbourne. Which reminds me, I must get on to booking my flights for the reunion shows – probably the 2nd one, because Mother’s Day inconveniently gets in the way of the first show.

Right. Ad break is over and Chyka has arrived at PF’s crib which, although it pains me to say it, looks far more impressive in daylight. PF’s 50th birthday is coming up, so obviously she’ll be throwing a stylish (bahahahhahaa) party for herself. Oh wait – she’s getting Chyka to do it, so it might be genuinely stylish.

Chyka’s eyes sparkle at the words “no budget”, and she listens closely to what PF has in mind. After two dud Christmases in New York (as if there’s even such a thing), PF wants to have a Winter Wonderland-themed birthday. She has a couple of ideas, including an arch of white Christmas trees. Basically what she wants is the David Jones Christmas Store. Chyka will, of course, translate PF’s questionable ideas into something gorgeous, and if she’s smart she’ll keep PF’s involvement to a minimum.

The cake is a whole ‘nother thing. PF wants the cake to be a staircase. In the shape of the Sydney Opera House. Chyka’s face is everything. You can see her thinking “what the actual fuck is she talking about??”

She tries to get a handle on WTF this cake is meant to represent, which PF explains is about her journey. *yawns* Not surprisingly Chyka gives the Opera House part of the cake the flick, because it’s fucking stupid, and focuses on the stepping stones/staircase part. I kind of wish she’d actually do the Opera House/Staircase hybrid cake just to illustrate the stupidity.

As PF explains that her “vision” for the party is all in her head, you can see Chyka thinking “Oh god oh god oh god how can I get out of this?”

PF wants the party to be drama-free, which is easy. Don’t have it. Duh. However Chyka has a different idea, which is to word up the ladeez that this is to be a klarssy event and the “get fuckeds” are to be kept to a minimum, and preferably without an accompanying middle finger. Boring.

Obviously this won’t work even a little bit, especially where Gina and Jackie are involved. If there’s a God, the only thing that will be missing will be the jelly bath, but only because Chyka is too stylish to organise one.

Next up we’re at Lydia’s “new renovated house”. She’s going to refer to it as “renovated” every time she mentions it, isn’t she? She’s having the girls over for dinner and although she’s cooking it herself, she’s having a friend make a fancy dessert that will apparently blow their tiny minds.

Lydia tells the ladies that she’s going to get them all “wet pussies”. Eww. Even if it is a drink, still ewww. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t get the thing with suggestive cocktail names. I’m with Lydia’s mother. Gahd. I’m *that* old.

Lydia busies herself with the cookery, and Janet reckons she reminds her of Nigella Lawson. I can see that. Crap. I hate when I agree with Janet.

When the ladies sit down to their seafood meals – sah fancy, not a fishstick in sight – Lydia explains that she didn’t invite Gina and Gamble because of their poor behaviour at PF’s book launch. Obviously this won’t get back to them at all.

The ladies are filling their gobs with ALL THE SEAFOOD and out of nowhere Janet comes out with “I don’t know if this is dinner party conversation, but what state do you actually have to be in to have an erection?”

SO. MANY. THINGS. In no particular order, here are some of my questions and observations:

Who is she asking? I heard someone mention that Andrew is there, so maybe him?
Is Janet a man?
How did Janet reach 137 years old without knowing the answer to that question?
No, it’s not dinner party conversation.
Ask Carlos.
Janet explains that as a result of being previously married to a 900 year old man, she is an expert on medications that assist in hoisting the flag. In her experience, Viagra is a bit rubbish because it takes between 45 minutes and an hour to work, by which time she’d *ahem* moved on. TO SLEEP. Obviously. Then there are Cialis and Levitra, which only take 15-20 minutes. But now there’s a product of greater importance to humankind than penicillin – a gel called Kamagra which only takes 10 minutes and “it’s rock hard”! Glory Be! Also STOP IT!

Lydia’s mum is wondering what in God’s name is going on. Aren’t we all? When she asks Janet “what’s it like waiting for someone to put the plastic in?” meaning putting on a condom (I think), Lydia dies a thousand deaths, along with everyone watching.

Lydia wants to make everyone forget that that last exchange ever happened, so she announces that she has a surprise for everyone. “He’s big, he’s handsome, and he’s Matt Butcher.”

Never heard of him. *Googles like a mad woman.* Right. Executive Chef at Morris Jones in Prahran. Got it.

Apparently Matt knows about Lydia’s love of cigars (did we know that?) and she tells us he is making a dessert “all about me”. So up herself.

Dessert is liquorish ash with a chocolate cigar served in an ashtray. Sah fancy. Just makes me want a Maxibon or a Bubble-o-Bill.

Marginally less disgusting than Lydia's mum doing this.

Marginally less disgusting than Lydia’s mum doing this.

Lydia’s mum eats her cigar in a way no-one wants to see their mother eating anything. Sorry. PF does the same thing, only with added facial expressions, and now I have to take a shower.

Could that dinner have been any more uncomfortable? Thank fuck it’s over. Of course it does mean we’re closer to PF’s birthday party, where I predict (because #psychic) PF will morph into a psychotic lunatic over her vision for the party. Excellent.

Everything is underway at PF’s place, and it’s looking properly glamorous, obviously, because Chyka is all over it. But PF is sitting in a bedazzled crescent moon and making noises that sound a lot like “this is not what I ordered”. Well no, because what you ordered is crap.

This is where we meet Daisy, the lovely girl from The Big Group, given the poisoned chalice job of running the event. You’re in our prayers Daisy.

Apparently the bedazzled crescent moon is not adjustable. *Adds to list of sentences I never thought I’d write*. Evidently this flaw in the moon is problematic, because PF will be launching herself from it when she starts dancing the Rumba. Deadset, even the preparations for this party are a goldmine of crazy.

Next she’s got the shits up about the hallway which, to my untrained eye, looks freaking amazing. It seems she’s got her knickers in a twist about the hall runner, which is cream, instead of white, and the fact that the hall is decked with actual flowers, not white Christmas trees, as per her vision. Poor, sweet Daisy. We’re all here for you babes.

PF sees chaos all around her. The REST OF HUMANKIND* (*may be an exaggeration) sees glorious white orchids, metres of silk organza and an all-round stunning display of elegance and style. PF keeps tapping her chest, repeating “I’m freaking out”, and Daisy wants to stab her in the chest with a candleabra. Probably.

Over at Chyka’s place, she’s overseeing her chef Tony cook a family roast. She calls in her housekeeper Claudia to taste test it, and now I want to be Chyka when I grow up.

Except for when PF gets on the blower to voice her disgust at the incompetence of Daisy and everyone involved with The Big Group.

OMG CHYKA CALLS HER PF! I knew Chyka and I were secretly soul sisters.

Sorry. Where was I? PF is slagging off at Chyka about how her “vision” isn’t being adhered to. What. A. Mole. Chyka does the most mahoosive eyeroll, which makes me want to high-five her through the screen.

Evidently PF feels like she’s in a massive garden of beautiful flowers, so I can totally see why she’s pissed off. How Chyka hasn’t already told her to fuck off is a mystery to me.

PF is worried that the party is going to turn to shit which she helpfully explains “is brown, not white, like a winter wonderland.” I can’t even.

Thankfully we take a break PF’s “vision” and join Janet as she visits her mate Manuela. Have we met Manuela before? Can’t recall. Wait, yes we have. A couple of times. She will therefore almost certainly be one of the new Housewives next season. I know this, because #psychic.

“Manny” (she should drop this abbreviation/nickname stat) and Janet sit down to discuss Janet’s dating sitch, which is currently a bit shit. Janet has decided it’s easier to embrace singledom, which Manuela reckons has taken 10 years off her. Of course Janet wishes she’d know that earlier so she could have saved all those cajillions on surgery.

It seems Manuela is a bit put out about not being invited to Gamble’s hen’s party, which Janet surmises is because Gamble had got wind of the fact that Manuela had heard the stripper/hooker rumours. OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! I’ll try to make this quick – Janet thinks that Gamble is making things worse by constantly banging on about the rumours, and Manuela thinks it’s either that, or she’s just dumb. I’ll leave that with you.

OK, Chyka, Janet and Jackie are in a horse and carriage. I did not see that coming. Apparently PF arranged this super embarrassing mode of transport for the ladies to get to her party. Chyka might be saying “I absolutely love it”, but I’m 100% certain she’s thinking “what the fuck is wrong with a limo.”

Jackie, on the other hand, was loving it sick, or as she put it “I lost my shit. I thought it was the bomb.” Bless.

Up at PF’s penthouse, it’s looking FUCKING MAGICAL, OBVIOUSLY. The whole place looks like a Pinterest Board. I mean, it’s actually snowing, which blows PF’s teeny tiny mind.

The next carriage arrives (even the horses look embarrassed) with Gamble, Gina and Lydia. Good, that’s everyone. Let the games begin.

Not embarrassing at all.

Not embarrassing at all.

Up at the Winter Wonderland, Jackie tells PF her boobs are shining, which is more information than any of us need. But PF tops it by telling us that “this girl is wearing very little underwear”. Ugh.

WOW! Lydia hasn’t said “WOW” in forever! But the snowing hallway definitely calls for it. Gamble describes the entrance as “an ejaculating forest”, and then makes a comment about what the forest did all over Gina, but because I’m a lady I can’t repeat it because #gross.

Lydia describes PF’s birthday as “half one hundred”, and given that a good friend of mine* (*me) turns that exact age next year, I now hate Lydia with the heat of a thousand suns.

As with every good shindig these days, there’s a photo booth on site, where grown humans make eejits of themselves with moustaches and feather boas. Jackie gets antsy about the fact that people are hogging the photo booth, calling out “shine it up, it’s not a model fuckin’ portfolio. Fark.” And then once she’s in there “I look so woggy it’s hilarious.” Love your work Jacks.

Photo booth fun.

Photo booth fun.

There’s lots of teeny tiny food served on giant grey bathroom tiles, because #fancy. No deep fried treats in sight, and I’ll bet anything people would kill for a party pie.

Gamble notices that Manuela is giving her the cold shoulder. She’s a bit scared of Manuela, which is understandable. Maneula comes over to Gamble and whichever unidentified person Gamble is making small talk with, and thus begins the most awkward convo I’ve ever witnessed. Manuela is all up in Gamble’s bizness about why she (Gamble) thinks she’s (Manuela’s) so aggressive. Poor Gamble looks completely terrified and I kind of wish the Silver Fox would swoop in and shield her from Manuela’s scary-as-fuck glare.

Manuela gets even further up in Gamble’s bizness, which is now a quivering mess, saying that Gamble knows full well that Janet didn’t start those rumours. I’m totally with Gamble when she says “Don’t you people have a fucking life?” which was ace, then she followed up with a stream of “fuck yous” that would have made Jackie proud. She rounded it off with “why don’t you get fucking laid” to Manuela, which I have to admit gives me a new respect for Gamble.

Things go a wee bit off the rails when Gamble challenges the success or otherwise of Manuela’s real estate business, which opens the door for Manuela to ask where Gamble gets her money. Gamble goes fully bogan and declares Manuela a c**t, the first woman she’s ever referred to with that word. You go girl – seems like a good one to start with.

Suddenly Janet appears and declares that Gamble is responsible for this story still having legs. She tells Gamble to “fuckin’ shut up and listen”, which greatly disturbs Chyka, because she’s a fuckin’ lady.

Janet tells Gamble that there is “no slant on your character. Has that gone in?” pointing at Gamble’s head. Nice. She reiterates that she was telling Gamble “a bullshit rumour which was bullshit”, and Chyka tries to explain it as “you were being a friend”. Gamble concedes that Janet maybe has a point, and although it pains me to say it, I think she’s right. Crap.

Can we be done with the rumour thing now? Please? It’s taken THE WHOLE SEASON and I’m EXHAUSTED by it.

There are far more interesting things to pour scorn focus on. For example, PF is wearing her stupid headpiece (from Manila – as if you could forget) as a bun snood! Hideous AND thrifty! She’s NAHT happy about the shitshow that just went down between Gamble and Janet, but because I’m psychic, I feel like that is just the opener.

Ooh, time for the speeches. I think. Wait – my mistake. It’s time for PF’s “sexy, steamy dance”. The one she starts from the bedazzled moon. Tops. She’s wearing an outfit borrowed from Dancing with the Stars, and has pimped up her bun snood with a hair applique. Totes understated.

My eyes!

Unnecessary.

PF’s son does a moving intro, describing how PF’s rents danced to the song Petite Fleur by Aker Bilk (Googled for correct spelling) and 9 months later, there was PF. *gags*

I think Janet speaks for all of us when she puts her head in her hands and groans “oh nooooo” as PF descends from the crescent moon.

There were far too many sightings of PF’s underoos for prime-time viewing, and let’s be honest, for her son. I s’pose we should be grateful that she’s actually wearing any undies. Still, the whole thing was cringeworthy to the power of a million. Jackie thought it was great, but I suspect she’s put away a LOT of La Mascara, so her judgement is probably fucked.

Next up we’re treated to PF’s son playing the piano. Oh fab, it’s Petite Fleur again – accompanied by a clarinet. I do not love the clarinet. When I was in the Grade 10 orchestra, I was the First Flute, and the fucking clarinet always drowned me out. Not that I hold a grudge.

After the musical performance, PF changes into another outfit – and this time it almost looks like she’s wearing the crystal headpiece/bun snood as a back-to-front necklace? Please let it be so.

PF then thanks everyone for being there, and finally thanks her bloke Frank for “opening up his checkbook for this amazing party.” Onya Frank. She goes on to say “hopefully I’ll get that beautiful car that I’ve been looking at.” Oh Frank. For your sake I hope you got the Bentley and not just an itunes card and something from hardtofind.com.au.

With the formalities out of the way, Gamble wants to talk to Gina about her suggestion that it was her (Gamble’s) makeup artist that started the rumours. OH MY GLOB GIVE ME STRENGTH. Deep breath, because apparently we’re not done yet with the rumours. Gamble can’t believe her makeup artist would be involved, and is pissed off with Gina for even suggesting it. Jackie sticks her bib in, wondering why Gina is doing this, what with her being Gamble’s BFF.

Gamble turns to Jackie and asks her to elaborate on what she’d said in Manila about throwing Gamble and PF under the bus. I know, I know. It’s exhausting having to remember back to the dark days in the Philippines. But things between Gamble and Gina appear to be going a bit off the rails, and because I’m something of an investigative writer* (*google) I want to get to the bottom of it.

Remember how Jackie talked about she, Janet and Gina going on a morning show, and Gina suggested throwing the new girls under the bus? Jackie claims she didn’t want to be part of such a thing, because she liked PF. This is NAHT how Gina remembers it, and because she deals in fact, not friction, she’s not taking it lying down.

PF asks Gamble if she believes what Jackie says. WTF is PF getting involved for? The 3 minutes since we last had to endure her have been so lovely. Anyhoo, Gamble says she doesn’t believe Jackie, which lights a fuse under Jackie, which I reckon is gonna go OFF any time now. Jackie stares down Gamble saying “you’d better check yo’self, because I don’t lie”, and Gamble takes her life into her hands by saying “I don’t believe that”.

In comes Janet, who fully backs up Jackie about the “throwing the newbies under the bus” thing, and things are looking less cruisy for Gina as she furiously insists it was all just playful chat. Argh!

Gina leans over and asks Jackie if she’d prefer that she and Gamble weren’t besties any more. Janet reckons this is a top idea, but poor Gamble is devo at the idea. She tells Jackie that she has “blurred lines of reality”, whatever that means, and Jackie tells Gamble that she “seems out of whack right now”. Which is a bit mean, considering this is the most sensible Gamble has looked all season. Jackie calls her cray cray, which is a term that even my 10yo daughter stopped using about a year ago.

Oh god oh god – Gamble responds VERY BADLY by telling Jackie that she questions whether her psychic voices are telling her the truth or not. We all know how well Jackie takes it when someone fucks with her angels. Somehow this is Gina’s fault – and I replayed this part about 5 times, but I still can’t figure out how it is, so we’ll just have to run with it. Gina can’t figure it out either, and decides that since Janet and Jackie’s pupils have dilated to the size of dinner plates, she’s getting the fuck out of Dodge.

But Jackie isn’t finished with Gina, and she and her by-now-very-cranky-angels go after her. Gina tells her to back off, and then Jackie says “no you need to back off”. Shit is about to get real.

Jackie is all finger-pointy at Gina, which never ends well. Gina grabs a sparkly beverage and walks away saying “I’m not even listening”. Jackie is about to have an aneurism and calls out to Gina “You’re out now, you’re GORNE which is Croatian for “fucked”.

Janet plays commentator, describing Gina as a dirty fighter, chucking the “pupils dilated” bomb (which is more of a lame-o party-popper than an actual bomb IMHO), then runs away as fast as “that fat, spanx arse will let her go“. Would it be childish to say “at least she’s got an arse”? Probs.

Jackie decides to take things outside and tries to follow Gina onto the balcony. But Gina foils that plan by holding the door closed and not letting her out, so Jackie kicks the door. Gina thinks she might need to call the filth police, and suddenly PF and her stupid bun-snood appear. I can’t quite see what’s going on out there, but Jackie keeps saying “don’t touch me! Don’t touch me”, so Gina must be touching her. Or something.

Jackie decides it’s time for her to take her leave, because she’s all about being true to herself. Am not entirely sure how those two things are related, but ok. Someone asks Gina what happened, and Gina explains that “Jackie just went mental”, which is pretty accurate.

Next up, Janet races past in a blur of rose gold sequins uttering “you’re kidding. It’s a piece of shit.” She reckons that if she had her time again, she’d never have told Gamble that she heard a rumour. But then what would have happened? A whole season of PF trying to explain what her stupid book is about? No, even the rumours are more interesting than that.

Gina also heads home announcing that she’s embarrassed to be amongst this group of women. Which, by the way, still includes the vile Manuela. She’s definitely gonna be a new Housewife.

Gamble leaves with her homie Gina because she’s got her back, so that’s nice.

Lydia tells PF that it was such a beautiful party, so apparently she was at a different party. PF is devo about what has happened, but decides to “screw those bitches, we’re gonna party”. Lydia and Chyka do some dad-dancing, and Lydia gives us the line we’ve been waiting for – “time heals all wombs” *cacks self*

Chyka is philosophical about her part in the rumour clusterfuck, but dammit, she’s going to learn from this mistake.

PF signs off the series by admitting she shouldn’t blow smoke up her own arse, because it pisses the girls off. Also it would hurt. PF says she has been “true to herself” *yawn* and “rocked my fashion” *laughs like a loon*.

And it’s over! Arena hasn’t done that thing where they give us a line about what the ladeez are currently doing, but they did do AWESOME stills from the party, which I’ve put into a grid, because am generous and creative. My favourite is Janet. You’re welcome.

RHOM

RHOM

The Real Housewives of Melbourne S2 E10 – Diamonds, Ponies and Boy Badonkadonks

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Geez, Gina’s been everywhere this week, hasn’t she? OK Magazine, one of the Saturday newspaper magazines – you’d think she has a book to promote. Wait….

Sorry. Back to the business at hand. Hoorah! We’re engagement ring shopping with Gamble and the Silver Fox. No Michael Hill diamond dust here – they’re at Bensimon Diamonds. I wonder if it’s pronounced “Ben-see-mon” like Kelly Ben-see-mon, former nutjob from the NY Housewives. (BTW, loving Kelly’s cameo in this week’s ep of the RHONY – just disappointed that she and Bethenny weren’t ripping each other’s throats out like the good ol’ days.)

Gamble wants a “conservative” bauble, something 3rd-time-lucky-appropriate, given her (and the Silver Fox’s) marital history. Umm, trillion cut? Derr.

The SF isn’t sure an engagement ring, at their age, is an important part of being married. Well that attitude isn’t going to *get* you married, is it Rick?

I’m disturbed by Gamble’s purple tipped French manicure – bit low rent babes. Especially for engagement ring shopping.

She’s struggling between the cushion cut and the princess cut, and I feel her pain. I too struggled with the choice between the emerald cut and the baguette, so I know how exhausting it can be. Still, my jeweller didn’t let me TAKE BOTH HOME TO TEST THEM OUT! That is one trusting jeweller right there. Also, take the cushion cut Gamble.

Over in Fitzroy Chyka and daughter Chessie are shopping for the races, because it’s Spring Racing Carnival time. I was born in Melbourne, so I know this is right up there with Moomba and the Grand Final in social importance.

Chyka needs four outfits, right down to the undies sunnies, so there’s some serious shopping to be done. Hats are obviously the most important accessory, and in Chyka’s words, “hat fashion can really go badly sometimes. The last thing we want is a Princess Beatrice moment.” True – no-one wants to become a meme.

Chyka’s invited all the girlz to the Lexus marquee on Derby Day, so she needs to look totes amazing. Once she’s dealt with the hat situation – and they all looked AMAZE – it was off to find frocks. They’re at a shop that is basically the opposite of Dotti. First, it’s called Le Louvre (NOT THE ONE IN LONDON PARIS) and it’s so fancy that the shop assistants (who do not wear hotpants or call you “hun”) actually choose your frocks for you.

Chyka is obsessed with a wee YSL handbag, and if Bruce knows what’s good for him, he’ll buy it for her toot sweet. Chessie also loves the bag, declaring it a good “sharing” bag. Nice work Chessie. She also points out that Bruce never checks his statements, so he’ll never even know. Personally I’d go with the “gift with purchase” argument if it ever came up. I mean, that Victoria Beckham frock isn’t going for anything less than $2000, so it stacks up. Kind of.

Can I just take a moment to say how impressive Melbourne has looked throughout this season. I mean, obviously there’s been some VERY selective aerial filming, because we all know the weather in Melbs can be absolute shit, but geez, when it’s nice it’s deadset glorious.

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Derby Day has arrived and Gina and Gamble and a CRAPLOAD of feathers are on their way to the ponies. In a stunning turn of events, there doesn’t appear to be a single sequin in Gina’s outfit, and now nothing in the world makes sense to me. Still, Gamble’s two hair colours fully embrace the black & white Derby Day theme, so that’s a relief.

Jackie and Janet are ready to shine it up, although they appear to be dressed for a glamorous funeral. Janet is thrilled that she hasn’t had to spend months kissing arse to get into the “good” marquees, because Chyka has invited them to the fully posh Lexus marquee, without having to bare her bum once.

Jackie has a chess piece on her head, as part of her fascinator. Because she’s gone with a Queen she can’t keep her head straight, which is hilarious. Should have used a Pawn. And a convertible.

Lydia and PF are in another car, and in a controversial decision, Lydia is wearing COLOUR OMG! She appears to be wearing a shorty white dressing gown (remember when Will wore one in Will & Grace? God that was funny.) with a beaded neckpiece so vast you could see it from space. Also she has a sculptural black lace doily on her head. PF looks like she’s wearing an actual Dotti coat and one of those pre-made fascinators from Spotlight, although apparently it was a “last minute find” from Celine in Collins St. Still looks like Spotlight.

There is some random, dull convo going on about PF’s height – she reckons she’s 5’2”, but IDON’T CARE. Then Gina – oddly – asks Gamble to ask PF if she’s sensitive about race and accent etc. Gina may be my best friend, but she needs to cut that shit out.

The ladies arrive at Flemington and Chyka says “Unfortunately this year for Derby Day, the weather is shocking”. I totally thought she was going to say “…the weather is shithouse.” She was thinking it though.

We get to see Jackie’s chess piece in all its glory, and by glory I mean awfulness. Soz Jacks. Also, she’s wearing a sleeveless suit jacket as a dress, which I’m pretty sure I saw in Witchery recently. Gamble is wearing a prom dress with a full skirt so we get to see her underoos more than I expected.

Chyka is justifiably up herself about the marquee, which is looking as stylish as you would expect. The floral ceiling installation is gorge. It blew Gina’s mind to think of using lightbulbs as rose vases. Lightbulbs make her think of Uncle Fester. She maybe shouldn’t have said that out loud.

Chyka asks Jackie about her chess piece, and Jackie explained that she chose it because she’s “always playing chess with you ladies, so I decided to be the Queen Bee.” I love you Jackie, but metaphors just aren’t your thing.

Gina takes exception to this, saying that she’s “certainly not playing me. I’m all over her like a cheap suit.” A cheap sparkly suit, obvs. She goes on to suggest that Jackie is, in fact, masturbating – playing with herself. I think Gina had a few La Mascaras in the limo on the way to Flemington.

We have a brief rundown on everyone’s millinery and fashwahn, including Gamble’s attempts at hiding a nip slip with her black and white hair.

While she’s sorting out her wardrobe malfunction, Gamble tells the ladeez that she’s planning on holding dog races. Gotta say, I did *not* see that coming. Lydia practically implodes with excitement at the possibility of Mr Figaro winning – what with being a Greyhound and everything (Italian, but still).

Chyka can’t even believe that with everything they need to do in this busy social season, they now need to schedule dog races – which she clearly thinks is a new level of stupid.

Discussion turns to Cyclone’s Tempest’s surgery which is all done and dusted. According to Gamble she looks 10 years younger and it’s taken off 20 years. Sorry – I’m just reporting what she said. She goes on to say that the point with plastic surgery is that “you don’t want to look like you’ve been sucking cock all night.” Do you kiss your mother with that mouth Gamble? Eww.

PF sticks her bib in and asks if Gamble and Janet realise that botox actually paralyses the muscles. UMM, IT’S GAMBLE AND JANET you stupid bint. She goes on to say that people using plastic surgery need to know when to tone it down. A bit like stupid headpieces. Shut up PF.

Regrettably she doesn’t shut up, and announces that her book is about to be published and she wants to invite all the girls to the launch. Chyka, because she’s so lovely, gives props to PF for actually writing and publishing a book. God love Chyka. Gina, on the other hand, asks if it’s properly bound, in a cover, printed, like an actual book. Haha. That’s more like it.

Gina’s confused about what could be *in* PF’s book, given she really only has a paragraph. She says she’s posted messages on Facebook longer than that. Gina’s on fire tonight!

Time for the ladies to have a punt, and it’s good to see that Jackie doesn’t believe in using her psychic gift for gambling. Seems like kind of waste to me, but still.

Janet – who I’ve just noticed appears to be wearing a crop top, or at least a cut-out back, which no 128 year old should be wearing – rattles off the bets her bookie gave her, as Gina says “like an old pro”, which she clarifies as “professional”. ON A ROLL GINA!

Hey look, it’s Jamie Durie! There’s a special guest appearance I wasn’t expecting! They’re on the 3rd level of the marquee (THIRD LEVEL?? I love going to the races here at Eagle Farm, but our marquees are lucky to have walls) which has a rooftop garden designed by “Jamie Drury”, as Janet calls him, and “you can even see the races from there”. Apart from Jamie, who is too short to see anything, and looks like he’s in a bouncy castle as he tries to see the ponies.

Lydia’s horse wins and she’s fully up herself, saying “I know how to pick a stallion, I sure do.” She’s clearly referring to Warnie Andrew. Ewww.

Gawd. It’s time for PF’s book launch. They’re at Circa in St Kilda *doesn’t add to itinerary because PF* and PF is busy being smug and signing books. Janet tells us that she read PF’s book before the launch, and that’s it’s all about “being true to yourself and putting yourself first and realising that you’re of no value to anyone if you’re not valuable to yourself.” So I can totally* see how the title “Switch the Bitch” fits with that. *not at all.

Lydia arrives and tells us how proud she is of PF, and how much she likes the cover (which I could have knocked up on Microsoft Publisher, just quietly). There’s much chatter about the finger-snapping, which gives me the almighty shits in much the same way as whistling does.

Lydia accidentally admits that she hasn’t had time to read the book and cops a full-on Julia Bishop deathstare from PF.

Gamble is trying to figure out what the fuck the book is actually about, and Lydia tries to explain it – tricky, given it’s inexplicable.

Then Jackie arrives to lots of squealing and proclaims that PF is shining and that she herself is looking totes couture. I’ve decided I love how she calls everything couture. I may start using it myself. I’m currently looking fully couture in my yoga pants, “Team Gina” t-shirt and birkenstocks.

Gamble and Janet are having a sly chat on the side about the other book “The Bitch Switch”, written by someone called Amarosa (should Google but CBF). Compared to that book, Gamble reckons PF’s is just a “baby” book. I wasn’t loving Gamble for a minute there, but I’m back to liking her now.

Gina arrives in what I want to say is a fur, but looks more like a hair coat. She’s very interested in whether PF actually has a publisher, which doesn’t seem like an unreasonable question.

Time for a photo – doing a “bitch click”. I’d like to give PF the “bitch flick”. She gets the girls to get into position – meaning the “power stance” and click their fingers in manner of her cheap book cover. Chyka’s face clearly says “I wish I was ANYWHERE ELSE”.

PF’s speech is as vacuous as you would expect. She says her book is “raw, real and confronting and not for the faint-hearted.” It sounds like she’s describing the food challenge on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. Related: I’d love to see PF on I’m a Celebrity. Eating buffalo pancreas.

While Chyka, Janet and Jackie are all “you go girl!”, Gina and Gamble are eye-rolling for Australia. Thankfully, PF asks if there are any questions, which means Gamble can ask who the publisher is. Excellent!

Chyka reckons it was poor form of Gamble to ask the question, but really, it was a community service on Gamble’s part, because how else are we supposed to pour scorn on this ridiculous book? We need the facts dammit!

She is self-publishing. Of course she is. Because she doesn’t want her message to be lost in “editing and proof-reading”. Seriously, just the thought of how many misplaced apostrophes will be in that book is giving me the shakes.

Apparently she wants to “keep that bitch mentality in the book, and you can switch it!” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? I can’t even.

Wait – apparently she hopes the book is so good that a movie will come out. Someone has deadset spiked her La Mascara.

The "bitch click". Ugh.

The “bitch click”. Ugh.

Gamble takes particular issue with one of the characters in the book – the “pathetic bitch” who apparently crawls up out of her pathos to become a successful strong bitch. Ugh. Gina, who we know thinks the whole book is bullshit, backs her up, and then Jackie bitchslaps them down (see what I did there?) for not being supportive blah blah blah.

And then things go sideways when Jackie calls Gamble Gina’s mouthpiece. Yeah, Gina’s gonna respond well to that.

Which she totally does, by saying “oh fuck off. God she’s a pain in the arse.” Which is the only appropriate response IMHO.

And because she’s ON FIRE tonight, she says she’s going to get a coffee, and asks Jackie if she needs “half an hour to get over yourself, would that be enough?” Hilair.

Anyhoo, back to the important stuff – Gamble tells PF that her issue with self-publishing is that sometimes you need a publisher to help you with your content. I swear Gamble is full of surprises tonight! I would have pegged her as knowing jack shit about publishing.

Turns out she once had her own column in… something… and knew what it was like to have an editor scream “I could wipe my arse with what you’ve written.”

But PF isn’t interested in having a publisher dissect her book. Because they’d want to BURN IT WITH FIRE.

Gina sums it all up by saying “It’s not published, it’s got a title that I find offensive, the content is hideous and really I didn’t want to be there.” I HEAR YOU SISTA.

Gamble is all up in PF’s grill about the plagiarism issue – GO GURL – but PF insists it’s all tickety-boo. Am I the only one who hopes that the other Bitch Switch person sues the stupid headpiece off her?

Anyway, I think I speak for us all when I say I’m well sick of PF’s moronic book. Let’s dust ourselves down and head out to Croatia-by-the-Sea to see Storm’s Tempest’s makeover. I’ve gotta say she looks pretty good. I mean, it’s not like she went into it looking like a patient from Botched (which I’M LOVING BTW) but she certainly looks “refreshed”, and even a bit more like Gamble.

It’s also the night of the Hen’s Party, which is being held in Croatia-by-the-Sea, rather than a club, to avoid any chance of being publicly humiliated. UMM, REALITY TEEVEE.

Tsunami Tempest is looking forward to starting afresh with Janet, although Gamble thinks it’s more likely she’ll rip her throat out.

Gamble has also invited “the twins”. Fuck I hate it when they do that – mention someone we don’t know and tease us with the possibility that they might be interesting.

Cash the Pomeranian has been knackered had surgery as well, but is no longer wearing the cone of shame. He does, however, desperately need a trip to the beautician, because his hair is ridiculous. There’s been an addition to the Pomeranian family – a girl called Wicket, who is a proper show dog, apparently, which means Gamble will get to dress inappropriately again at the show next year.

Meanwhile Lydia, Janet and OMG A FUCKTONNE OF SEQUINS are heading to the Peninsula for the Hen’s Party. Janet is pretty put out that Squall Tempest is going to be at the party, after what went down at the Billich Gallery in Sydney. The fact that she’s the bride-to-be’s sister appears to be of no consequence to Janet. Rude.

Croatia-by-the-Sea is looking very pretty, styled with those cool white ball lights all over the place, and floating white candles in the aquatic facility. It’s not quite Chyka and Bruce glamorous, and I can’t see any connection to James Bond, but it’s not unattractive. I’ll allow it.

Oh for fuck’s sake, PF has arrived dressed as actual James Bond.

Then Gina arrives, and her hair is mahoosive. She could comfortably house a family of four in that hair.

Chyka arrives in black leather, which she manages to pull off, because Bruce has styled it TO PERFECTION. Good job Bruce.

Gamble is apparently dressed as Solitaire (from Live and Let Die, played by Jane Seymour) although her frock isn’t even a little bit close to anything Solitaire wore. Still, it’s Gamble’s party, so she could dress as Spongebob Squarepants and say she was Miss Moneypenny if she wanted to.

Gamble takes the opportunity to use the party to do a reveal of Blizzard’s Tempest’s updated dial. Everyone agrees that she looks ace, except of course for PF who reckons it’s a bit too subtle and might need updating in a few years time. Because she’d know all about subtlety. One word. Headpiece. Now fuck off PF.

Speaking of subtlety, Gamble decides to enlist the ladies’ help with the decision about which diamond shape she should make the Silver Fox fork out for. So Boasty McBoast brings out both diamonds, and Janet ruins her own surgeon’s work when her eyes and mouth open wider than they’ve ever been able to. Lydia couldn’t give a flying fuck about the shape – she’s all about the number of carats – 2, 3, 4, 5, maybe 6..? Doesn’t bother with 1 obvs.

Time for a bit of dad-dancing around the pool. Truly, these ladies dance like I do in the car when Shake It Off comes on. PF does Mr Miyagi wipe-on wipe-off hands while holding a nerf toy gun, and Janet does that lassoo “eeerrrryone in Melbourne” thing with her right arm.

There’s a very sweet moment when the Silver Fox’s son Luke tells Gamble how glad he is that she’s marrying his Dad, and an even sweeter moment when he apologises for hating her in the first few months. Gamble tells him not to fret because she didn’t like him much either.

Luke confesses that he called Gamble a whore, a gold-digger and a bitch. Just excuse me for a moment. I need to make a quick phone call to my own stepchildren to check something….

Next up we see the first of Chyka & Jackie’s surprises for Gamble – topless waiters. Ooh err. Gamble is totes uncomfy accepting a prawn from one of the topless dudes, but Lydia is mentally transplanting Warnie’s head onto the body of one of the waiters and enjoying the result. In her head.

In a completely unexpected* development (*fully expected) the waiters turn out to be strippers. I’m with Gamble – I don’t like strippers. Maybe it’s because for my 21st birthday, my work colleagues got me a dero-gram, which was a wasted, dero stripper. Still, I worked for engineers, so I suppose I couldn’t expect too much.

My eyes

My eyes

Anyway, Gamble is NAHT loving the strippers, and Jackie is COMPLETELY loving the strippers. Janet is filming the whole thing, probs to use with Carlos later on. Sorry. Not sorry. Eww.

Gina has a theory that Gamble’s phobia of strippers is the result of some past experience with strippers. Jackie wants her to shut the fuck up and enjoy the show, and Chyka reckons she’s a bit sensitive about strippers because of the *rumours*.

Once Gamble’s *ahem* session is over Jackie & Janet decide to get Chyka’s money’s worth and take the strippee’s position. (I just made up that word, but it should totally be a word.) They dak the boys and smack their badonkadonks to a cheering crowd. To end the show, Janet straddled Jackie and I immediately regretted the 3 day old fried rice I had for dinner *gags*.

Once all that unpleasantness was over, Gamble confessed to Chyka that an experience with strippers during her first marriage had scarred her for life. So Gina was right! You’d think Jackie’s angels would have given her the heads-up. Useless angels.

Elsewhere at the party Typhoon Tempest is apologising to Janet for her appalling behaviour in Sydney. Seriously, that’s some excellent plastic surgery going on there. Tempest’s, not Janet’s, obvs. Janet is all “don’t even worry about it, you were being a good sister yadda yadda yadda”, so that whole thing has gone exactly NOWHERE. Disappointing.

Meanwhile, Gina and Gamble are discussing the stripper phobia, which quickly turns to the stripper *rumours*. Gina wants to give Gamble another chance to come clean about whether there are any photos out there, and Gamble assures her there aren’t. This is definitely going somewhere.

Gina tells Gamble that she knows where the *rumours* are coming from, and drops the bombshell that it’s Gamble’s makeup artist, because she also works with strippers! I KNEW IT! (I didn’t really, I just needed to round out that revelation.)

Gamble is horrified. I think, because #botox. But she finds it hard to believe, because “Jacqueline” is apparently the “top makeup artist in the country. She does Julia Gillard’s makeup – the Prime Minister.” (Umm, pretty sure Tony Abbott was PM during filming, and whatever you might think of him, he probs doesn’t have a makeup artist.)

Wait. Sah confusing. Apparently the *rumours* didn’t come from Jacqueline, but because she works on strippers (and Prime Ministers), people may have put 2 and 2 together and got 35.

Not surprisingly, Gamble is right over this whole thing and wants the source of these *rumours* to fuck off. Same babes.

Gamble decides to move on to a more agreeable conversation, so she joins Janet, Hailstorm Tempest and random pony-tail lady. But things suddenly go awry when Janet tells Gamble she’s shitty with her because she reckons Gamble knew all along that the *rumours* didn’t come from her.

I have pretty much lost all interest in this now, but because I’m a professional* and I owe it to my readers, I’ll continue. (*not a professional).

Tempest (soz, but I’ve used up every synonym in the whole internet) cracks the shits that they’re still talking about the *rumours* given they all know they’re bullshit. She stops herself from ripping Janet a new one, and declares that whole issue finished. Thank fuck.

Gamble flounces off, but returns with the new Pomeranian, Wicket, for everyone to fawn over. Dunno where Cash is. Don’t actually care. Don’t even care about Wicket.

While Wicket is licking off Gina’s makeup, Chyka presents Gamble in a stylish gift box filled, as it turns out, with less than stylish “hen’s gifts”. Ahem. This is a side of Chyka I do not warm to so I shall ignore it.

Until next week’s finale. GAH!

Wait – WHO THE FUCK WERE THE TWINS???